Spider. Murdered.

Photo courtesy of Gratisography

Saturday, August 15th, 2026

Sometimes I feel like life is a simulation - a computer program if you will - that was started a long time ago and left to run its course, just to see what happens. It’s been going on a long time now and who/what ever started it might be getting a little bored with the same old same old and decided to shake things up a bit. 

When I think about it that way, it helps me to better deal with all the crazy that’s happening around the world. 

Narrowing it down - waaaaay down - to my little slice of the pie: I must be continuously leveling up. Not that I’ve necessarily noticed that I’m leveling up, but more so that I’ve noticed that the spiders are. And I think the spiders are the monsters in my video game. 

The spiders were one of the first things I noticed when I arrived in Seattle. It was September and they were prolific. And big. Spiders and houses go together for me. When we were looking at houses, I used a “spider stick” to break a web and relocate a spider so we could get to the front door of a potential home. It wasn’t a fit, but the spider stick became a staple. 

When I moved into this house, I noticed that the spiders are different. Mostly, they’re orange-ish and small. About half the size of the big brown ones that I’m used to seeing. I’ve never bothered to kill one of them. I’ve only really seen them outside and they mostly stay out of my way. 

A few spiders have shown up in the house on occasion and they are quickly dealt with. I’m fairly adept at killing spiders and insects and am clear about the tools necessary to get the job done, based on the situation. 

I murdered the biggest spider I’ve ever seen alive in the garage with a sturdy cardboard cube from some IKEA packaging. The spider was on the floor in a corner between a box and the wall. I needed something substantial with flat sides and strong 90-degree angle. That packaging chunk was perfect. 

A week or so later, there was a spider stuck in the hose bucket, unable to get out due to the straight sides. It was large - but not as large as the other one that was lurking further down.

I pulled the entire hose out of the bucket and started filling it with water, purposely spraying both spiders in an attempt to murder them. Normally, I don't kill spiders if they’re outside, but these were a different story.

The first one wasn’t so bad, big, but not huge. Not even overly icky looking. I managed to murder it with the water and watch it swirl its way down through the drainage hole. I was convinced that it was going to get stuck.

The other one though, that one was not ok. It was big. It looked like it had muscle. The water was doing nothing to it, no matter how many times I dunked it. There were a couple of pieces of mulch in the bucket…

…and this is when I discovered it had logic and reasoning.

As I’m making a speedy whirlpool, to get the other spider dead and out, I watched the scary one latch onto a piece of mulch and cling to the bottom of it - UPSIDE DOWN - until the bucket was empty. Once the water was low enough, it peeked out to see if the coast was clear. Oh no, it was not! And I murdered that thing right then and there. Using my hand would have been getting too close to it. But a handy hose accessory allowed me to keep my distance.

The biggest spider I’ve ever seen dead came in the new filing cabinet I just got. I was wiping it down and cleaning all the drawers out when I discovered it in the bottom drawer. Someone else had clearly found it first, some time ago. The front of the drawer itself had a coating of a whitish powder on it as well as inside the drawer. I strongly suspect they saw it in there and promptly sprayed the crap out of it and shut the drawer, never to open it again. I can visualize the scene in my head. 

Dead or not, it still gave me quite a start when I came across it, legs all akimbo, in the very back of the drawer. There were a few different webs in the drawer and a possible location for an old egg sac. I vacuumed the carcass up and kept the vacuum running for a minute or so, just to make sure it was fully disintegrated before I continued. 

The very next day - in the big two day garage overhaul - Wally was laying on the cute rug in the hallway when I heard him give a little whimper. I keep the door to the garage open when I’m working in there because he likes to see and hear me even if he doesn’t always like to be in there. 

So, he gives this very tiny, barely audible whimper and I come to check on him. He gets up, casually goes to sniff something where the wall meets the floor and heads outside.

You guessed it! It’s a spider! 

This one is decent sized, has some white markings on its back, and has hair. I’ve never actually seen a spider so hairy!! It wasn’t as big as the others, but It was not something I wanted to be messing around with. This thing was bad ass. I immediately killed it with a package of paint stirrers and then gave Wally lots of treats for telling me about it. I’m impressed with how smart he can be.

Today, I found a spider in the microwave. For context, i don’t use my microwave often. The thing is though, I found it AFTER, I had warmed up my lunch. And it was still moving!! Barely, but nonetheless! I removed my food and quickly closed the door, leaving it in there. I was hoping it would die of its own accord. I went back after work to check on it and it had moved to the other side. A quick puff of air proved that it was alive and well - and probably radioactive. How does a ride through a microwave not kill a spider? No idea. But a box of chicken broth does, so we’re good now.

Recently, I became president and treasurer of my HOA. I have to do real live adult things for this. An HOA is a contract, and I don’t take contracts lightly. This all feels very adult to me and I’m having some real imposter syndrome about it.

I was all set to play secretary.

I got my filing cabinet, my pink and manila folders. I’m ready for that! But now I’m applying for EIN numbers and looking at business bank accounts and figuring out how this thing is going to run for the rest of forever? Who decided that I had the authority to do this? I’d like to talk to their manager…

Oh! I forgot about the one that was in the cabinet and hiding just above the hinge. I murdered that one, too.

Stay Gritty