Photo courtesy of Gratisography
Thursday, November 5th, 2026
Last weekend, I finally replaced my windshield wipers. It took me two hours. The back one was tricky. After consulting the owners manual, several YouTube videos, texting my ex, calling the dealership, and finally asking the neighbor, he ended up using a wrench to take the whole thing off. Problem solved.
Anyway, that’s not why I'm writing. My ex later texted me back with a YouTube video I’d already seen. I had made the exact same mistake as him by misreading the model number. I thanked him for the video, assured him I had viewed several before texting him and had managed to get the wiper replaced. Thank you for writing back.
The next day, he reached out to me, mentioning he’d heard I got a house and how it was a big deal to put down roots and blah, blah, blah. And my response was “I do. Are we talking again? Not to be rude, I just want to know how to respond.” And he said if I was open to talking more, he would be as well.
And I thought about it for a while and said I needed some time to process some feelings first.
So that’s what I’m doing here, is processing some feelings.
Hurt - angry - sad - mad - grateful - scared - hopeful - happy - PROUD
I’m hurt because he couldn’t love me the way I needed to be and I confused that with him not wanting to.
I’m angry because he wanted to leave way sooner and instead of having the hard conversation, he drug me through the mud and let me wear myself out before I finally made the call.
That’s some cowardly lion shit there.
I’m sad because it didn’t have to be like that. We could have bravely figured it out together and supported each other – I did support him. Of course I did…
Scratch that.
I’m sad because it didn’t have to be like that. He could have just said it wasn’t working instead of giving up. That fucker quiet quit.
I’m mad for the way he left, so abruptly, with so much still to do.
I’m mad because when I got together with someone he knew, he got pissed and stopped talking to both of us and I was left feeling guilty for having the audacity to want to be with someone who genuinely liked me, as if I didn’t deserve to be loved.
I’m grateful for so much that came afterwards -
the feeling of being so raw and vulnerable and upheaved. Of everything that a new relationship has brought and how healing it was/has been to be with him, to feel loved in ways I never have before. For my house, my dogs, my life now, where I feel like I’m growing again and learning and making new connections and loving everything I see around me.
I’m scared because taking care of a house is a big thing. My joints are not what they used to be. Someday my dogs will die and I will be inconsolable.
I’m hopeful because I’m learning new skills about starting a business that I expect to use in the future. I’m learning more about myself as I decorate and rearrange and set up systems. For the first time, I feel like I’m really learning who I am as a person.
And I like what I see.
I’m happy because I’m where I always wanted to be - in a place of my own, surrounded by things that I love, with my dogs that are my everything.
And I’m fucking proud of me. Because I came through this, through the shitty way he left and how I was left feeling, and I’ve built myself back up and now I get to spend time learning about myself - the good and the bad - and living my life for me.
I’m not ready to reconnect with him yet.
I’m still really hurt about the way that he left. If I talk to him now, and he doesn’t own up to what he did, it would rip that wound wide open, and release my fire breathing dragon.
Before I talk to him, I want to get to a place where I will be ok whether or not he chooses to take ownership of his behavior. Because I want to be secure in who I am and what I deserve. And I’ve never been closer.
Stay Gritty