Pay Attention
Photo courtesy of Gratisography
Sunday, February 15th, 2026I got an Oura ring just before the new year - a consequence of failing to adjust my FSA contribution. I named her Ring-a-ling.
It arrived in that weird week between Christmas and New Year’s where neither time nor urgency exist. My stress level was low. Not sad-low. Not numb. Just… I was relaxed. My body felt easy. Calm, in a way that didn’t require effort.
In early January, I went to my brother’s for a week. As I mentioned recently, he makes my world better. Being at his house with him and the family is refreshingly easy - low effort, low drama, low stress. I slept like a rock. I walked the dog. I drove the kids around. I had time to read and knit and spend it with people I care about.
It felt good. I felt good.
Ring-a-ling agreed. My readiness average is in the mid 80’s. My resilience is strong. My sleep is optimal. My heart health is 7 years younger than I am. I feel great!
Oh, so this is what my baseline feels like!
And then I went back home.
There was a short grace period. A few quiet days before the next part of the season. And then it started: Prep meetings. Fittings. A deluge of patterns, grading and vendor suggestions to sift through.
Being the sole provider for six developers means my brain is firing all day, every day. Every style routes through me. Every grading suggestion compounds. There is no soft thinking. It’s output. Constant output.
On top of all that comes an unexpected ride on the corporate roller coaster.
Week one: the “anonymous” survey asking about our motivation to go above and beyond in our job responsibilities. There’s no space for comments. Just bubbles. Strongly disagree.
Week two: the unexpected corporate recalibration. Vacation accrual is decreasing. Sick days are decreasing. Company’s 401K contribution is decreasing. It adds up to a substantial decrease in total income package, without actually reducing pay.
Week three: Our yearly bonus percentage is announced. Shockingly good. Wait, What?!?
Next week: Merit increases will be announced…
It’s not malicious. It’s not meant to be chaos. It’s just… destabilizing. Suspicious questions. Hard news. Good news. More news coming...
All while trying to suss out the minutiae of every style in the line and keep it all organized for what I need to act on.
Those kinds of company-level decisions are hard to make, hard to time as well. I don’t envy whoever has to make them. Trying to redirect a company this size can’t be easy.
My nervous system isn’t part of the strategy call. It just absorbs the impact.
I’m three weeks in and my metrics are sliding. Readiness down. Resting heart rate up. HRV dropping fast enough to make me uncomfortable. My resilience has slid from strong to adequate. “Pay Attention” shows up at least once most mornings.
I don’t need Ring-a-ling to tell me. I can feel it.
I can feel my resilience thinning. I can feel when my sleep doesn’t actually restore anything, even if I got plenty of it. My brain hasn’t powered down in weeks. I don’t even understand how activity is scored yet, but running cognitive marathons doesn’t factor in.
What’s unsettling is how fast it’s all shifted.
I had proof of baseline in January. I was able to sleep through the night without drafting patterns in my dreams.
I know what strong feels like - and this isn’t it.
I watched the numbers rise when I was steady. Now I’m watching them fall while I’m still functioning. Still delivering. Still doing my best to hit my deadlines.
Equilibrium doesn’t explode. It erodes.
The bonus is good. It’s great actually. I’ll fund my 401K. On paper, I’m fine.
But the Ring-a-ling doesn’t grade on paper.
It grades on physical cost.
And every morning, it’s telling me the same thing.
“Pay Attention”
I am. I feel the erosion. And I don’t know how to stop it.
Through Gritted Teeth